dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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