She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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