I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
