and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
