im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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