Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
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