Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Randomize
