Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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