just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Such a big mess for such a small penis
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize