I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
