This is not my ceiling
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize