Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
