def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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