dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
