Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Can't talk, ducks in the car
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
