you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
