you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
