i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
