I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
ok first of all what the fuck
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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