When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
