Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
