You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
