I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Randomize
