If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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