Me. At least after what I've been through.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize