I faked an abortion last night.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
