The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
