if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
one might say we're banned from that church
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
