I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just gargled with NyQuil
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
