I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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