I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
