I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Randomize
