Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
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