By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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