You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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