You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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