I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
