You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
