If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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