yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
