Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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