sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Randomize
