if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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