I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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