So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
