He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
