he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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