the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
