so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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