I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
