In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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