Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
