My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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