I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
