Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
