Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
