Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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