I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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