Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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