I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
