I'm so fucking centered right now
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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