allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
