what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
