I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
honey bunches of taint.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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